Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Bienvenidos a Miami

A lot of e-mails have been coming in saying things such as, "Why didn't you get in against Samford?", "Who does Matta think he is not putting you in against Samford?", and "What is your mother's maiden name?" The last question was a real head shaker, but if you must know, her maiden name is Newcomb and she was quite the baller for Purdue in the late 70s and early 80s. She still is in the top 20 in career rebounds in school history, which is impressive considering that when she played, all the players wore dresses and had to apologize after every foul [citation needed].

As far as the more relevant questions, I applaud The Trillion Man March for breathing down Coach Matta's neck and demanding answers as to why Club Trillion was left out of the party against Samford. But before you (in the words of Dale Thornton) "puke all over your Dockers", you should understand that I didn't get a DNP-CD. I actually got a DNP-INJ, which is a way that uses a lot of capital letters to say I didn't play cause I was injured. I had injured my back lifting probably an absurd amount of weight the day before the Samford game and only dressed for the game because I refuse to wear a suit or mock turtleneck if it's not absolutely necessary. So thanks for the concern, but it's a long season and there will be plenty of more opportunities to get a trillion. Also, I saw an astonishing seven #34 jerseys at the Samford game.

We played Miami last night and won a pretty exciting game in which we were down 14 at halftime. I wore the world's baggiest shorts because Jon Diebler claimed his shorts were too big and traded with me. Jon is two inches taller than me, which means if the shorts are too big for him, they are full length pants for me. Jon went on to score a career-high 20 points. Coincidence? I'll let you decide. I was originally excited about going to Miami and showed my excitement by playing Will Smith's "Miami" no less than 50 times during the trip. However, things went south (pun absolutely intended) very quickly. We didn't get to Miami until after 11:00 which is much later than we usually arrive. I still found time to get crazy on South Beach, as I fell asleep in the hotel watching a JFK special at around 12:30.

Sidenote: Why are there so many JFK specials and more importantly, why do I keep watching? Every single one of these things comes to the same conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald ("LHO" just doesn't have the same appeal as "JFK") definitely was involved and that maybe there was somebody on the grassy knoll, but there's really no way to tell.

Nobody seems to consider that maybe Jack Ruby hated top hats and just had a terrible aim. I'm making my own JFK special discussing this.

On game day, we went to shoot-around and came back to the hotel to relax before the game like we usually do. Only Danny and I didn't get to relax at all. That's because the hotel staff decided that when the two of us were trying to sleep would be a perfect time to have the construction crew take a jackhammer to our balcony. It was so loud in our room that I cussed Danny out by yelling at the top of my lungs from five feet away and he couldn't hear me. A particularly awkward moment arose when suddenly the jackhammer shut off during one of my four-letter words. It felt like the awkwardness that arises when I fart on a first date. My usual exit strategy of "I know that was rude, but you have to admit that passing gas is a work oF ART" did not apply to this situation and I was left scrambling for an acceptable excuse. I went with "it's not what you think" and then failed to explain what it is exactly and instead just walked out of the room.

After the game was over, we boarded the bus and I murdered a cheese pizza. The cheese pizza must have graduated from the Ned Kelly School of Avenging Your Own Death cause no less than 20 minutes after murdering the pizza, it decided to haunt my intestines from the grave. As we boarded the plane I immediately rushed to the bathroom. I won't go into much more detail than to say that I was on the toilet as the plane took off and I assure you there are very few things that I have done that are more exhilarating than that.

Clearly, my trip to Miami was not what Will Smith made it out to be, but we did get the win and that's truly all that matters. I thank all of you for your e-mails, comments, Facebook messages, and various other forms of communication. I have been pretty busy with finals week right around the corner, so I apologize if I didn't respond, but I did my best to respond to a few e-mails. Because of the large masses of questions The Trillion Man March has for me, I am requesting that you e-mail me at I won't respond to any questions left as a comment on here or anything Facebook related, not because I don't like you, but because I am only one man and simply can't keep track of everything. I might make an entire entry based on the questions you all have been asking and, like I always do, give you roundabout answers that in no way answer the question you originally had. Until then, don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Evan Turner Facebook Status:
Evan is
chilling until we play miami tonight...shout out to my chi town cats.

I don't think felines have internet access, but I respect the unselfishness, Evan.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 0 to date (0 last game)

#34 Jerseys: 11 to date (7 last game)

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder