Sunday, December 21, 2008

Do You Own A College?

Keller did a fine job of writing yesterday, but I know that you missed me and I couldn't let you go on wondering what I'm up to any longer. (Keller also did a fine job buying me a Club Trillion t-shirt for Christmas from Dale. I'm thinking I might wear it as a shooting shirt for the rest of the games.) Anyway, here's what's happened in my life the last couple days.

We played the Iona Gaels yesterday and won in a fashion that had the entire crowd on pins and needles wondering whether Club Trillion was going to make it happen. For those who missed it, I didn't make it happen, unless "it" is referring to winning every scoreboard game the OSU promotions people put on during the timeouts. I used the momentum I had from dominating the basketball shuffle game, which was just a version of that "follow the hat with the ball under it" game, and took it into the "Moments In History" trivia. Yesterday's "Moments In History" proved to be the toughest one all season, as the answer was 1925, or 62 years before I was born. I still managed to get the right answer. Naturally, I was a little excited.

Playing Iona provided me with an opportunity to stuff a completely stupid joke down the entire team's collective throat. When we played Tennessee last year, I had at least three people want to kill me by the end of the trip for my refusal to quit saying, "Did you guys hear Bruce Pearl and his staff don't get paid? Apparently they are all Volunteers!" Of course, I topped off the joke each time I told it with an exaggerated laugh, because nothing is more annoying than hearing someone laugh at their own jokes. In a similar manner as the Tennessee game, I asked a majority of the team, "Do you own a college?" As they were trying to figure it out where I was going with it, I would drop the hammer and say "Cause Iona College!" and then laugh hysterically, for no other purpose than to be annoying. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have to put up with me on a daily basis. Good thing I'll never have to find out.

As all the Ohio State fans know, and I'm sure fans of all the other Big Ten schools will love to hear, our captain David Lighty broke his foot playing kickball. I may have just made that up, but I'm one for the dramatic and for a guy to break his foot by "just kind of coming down on it funny" is unacceptable. That's why if anyone asks me how he did it, I'm saying he took our casual game of kickball a little too seriously and slid into second base too hard, rolling his ankle and breaking a bone in his foot in the process. (There wasn't even anyone covering the bag, Dave. I appreciate the hustle, but we don't even keep score. Use better judgment next time.) We talked about how we wanted to win the game for Dave and Dave totally missed the opportunity to drop the "Coach, I'm hurt. I ain't dead" line that Gary did in the hospital scene of "Remember The Titans." I'm not sure if a broken foot or missing out on a perfect opportunity to make a completely applicable "Remember The Titans" reference would hurt more. My gut is telling me the latter.

While I'm on the topic of jabbing at my teammates, I thought I would address the Evan Turner situation that I wrote about in my last post. In case you're too lazy to click the link, I discussed how Evan's girlfriend told him about the previous prank I was pulling on him. I then went on to discuss how no women can keep secrets and how their refusal to remain hush is one of life's greatest mysteries (another of life's mysteries is why seemingly every professional wrestler looks like the late '80s version of Bono). Anyway, I asked for suggestions of an ongoing prank I could pull and I ended up getting about ten e-mails addressing this. My favorite was from John in Cleveland who is an "occasional affliction t-shirt wearer." His words, not mine. John wrote:
"I think you should text and write little notes to evan turner using strictly john mayer and maroon 5 lyrics...maybe even throw in some no doubt if youre feeling good...these are all of course per his facebook musicial interests...ideally you want to write mostly letters...hopefully one of your girl friends can help write them for you...you pick out the lyrics of course...just a suggestion"

Love the idea, but I'm going to make a little twist to it. Instead of me writing him stuff, I'm calling on The Trillion Man March to write for me. I'm going to give you the "John Mayer Lyric For Evan" at the end of each post, and I want everyone reading this to send Evan a Facebook message with nothing but the lyric. Imagine getting 1,000 Facebook messages from people that say the exact same thing. I think it's a fitting way to get him back for his girlfriend ruining my last project. Anyway, I'll maintain this prank until he knows what's going on or (and this is my most desirable scenario) he deletes his Facebook. This has the potential to be one of the coolest things I ever orchestrate, but I need your help. Don't miss out on all the fun.

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I'm reinstating the Bone-Crushing Screen counter, due to popular demand.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 0 to date (0 last game)
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As promised, here's the John Mayer Lyric For Evan Turner:

Tell me what I did. I can't find where the moment went wrong at all.

If you must know, it's from the song "Come Back To Bed." Here is Evan's Facebook. Remember to send the lyric and the lyric alone. Make it happen.



Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder