Friday, December 19, 2008

An Educated Guest

When I started the blog, I promised Keller that if I ever got to 100,000 page views, I would let him write a guest blog. I was sure that it would never happen so I wasn't worried in the slightest. Last night, it happened. So, here's what Keller had to say. Let me preface it by saying I'm not nearly as desperate for some TLC as he makes me out to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy desperate. But not as bad as what he claims. I hope you're happy, Keller...

When we were seniors in high school, Mark found it quite amusing to tell me he thought my sister - a freshman - was hot. He would ask me if I would get mad if he hooked up with her (it's cool ladies, she was old for her grade) and in a moment of stupidity and naivety I told him that if Ashley would go for him, I wouldn't be mad. To be honest, I thought she still played with baby dolls. Imagine my fear when she would start getting awfully hungry and coming downstairs at 2 a.m. to get a snack in short shorts and a tank top any time Mark would spend the night. After that, I always made sure he fell asleep before I did, just in case.

I can only guess that worried feeling is what Mark must be feeling right now. I could write a number of things that would be embarrassing to him or painfully off topic, but breathe easy Mark, because I won't. I have one specific thing that I want to address. No, it is not my undying hatred for Danny Peters - I will address that myself when I come to Columbus next week. No, I'm not going to talk about how sweet my CLUB TRIL t-shirt is, because you should find out for yourself. And no, I'm not going to write three paragraphs on how Mark's claim that I couldn't knock down the open J is false (I will say, though, that I was lethal from under 4 feet and over 23 feet. Everything in between was my downfall, along with the fact that 6'1" shot blockers were not en vogue after freshman year in high school). Instead, I'm going to write about the most important thing surrounding Mark Titus and Club Trillion at this moment - getting Mark Titus a girlfriend.

If you are one of the 200 or so people that has added Mark on Facebook in the past few days, you have surely seen that he is single. And if you are one of the 100,000 people who has read Club Trillion in the past few days, you have seen that he is awesome. One of these things has to change, and since I don't see him being less awesome any time soon, I think we should make a run at this girlfriend part. My ultimate goal would be for Mark to find a girl who likes him solely based on his celebrity status and stubblebeard. The beautiful thing about this plan is that it requires no building up of Mark on my part, so I won't have to lie. If Josh McRoberts can date Lauren Conrad, just think about who Mark can get. Actually, don't just think about who Mark can get, leave your celebrity girlfriend suggestions in the comments.

Ladies, if you are interested in getting to know Mark Titus a little bit better, send him an email at ClubTrillion@gmail.com. Include your name, a phone number/Facebook link, picture if you think you are a babe, and a paragraph or two on why you think you deserve to hold hands with Mark Titus (think of it like a scholarship essay, only instead of $100 from your local Kiwanis, you get 6'4" and 210 pounds of sexy). A location near Columbus is a definite plus. Guys, if you have a sister/cousin/girlfriend/mother that you would like to submit, don't hesitate. Ashley Keller, if you would like to submit yourself, stop it. I'm telling mom. And put a sweatshirt on.

In the same vein that Mark loves basketball, I love professional wrestling. Give this blog enough time, and Mark will talk about our spring break trip to Wrestlemania 22, dressing up as The Rockers for Halloween senior year, or yelling "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!" like Ric Flair enough times to make us lose our voices. Until then, I'll just end this blog with a wrestling YouTube clip. I look forward to your emails and I'll see you at 200,000 views.

Andy Keller