Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

There are a few truths in this world that can never, under any circumstances, be proven wrong. George Strait just doesn't make bad music. Walter Sobchack from "The Big Lebowski" is the greatest character in the history of cinema. Any time a CD skips at any party in America, at least one person will yell "Remix!" (It's funny cause it's true.) The most significant truth in my life, though, is that I have a unique ability to annoy my teammates using nothing more than Facebook and The Trillion Man March.

I'm calling a ceasefire on the Facebook prank I initiated last week on Danny. I originially said I was going to stop when he activated his wall, but I achieved a better outcome in less than five minutes. You see, immediately after publishing my last post, Danny got online and started reading what I wrote. Since I knew he was about to get served, I left the hotel room so I wouldn't start laughing and give away the surprise. I proceeded to walk down by the elevators in the hotel, which were about 30 or 40 yards away from our room. In a matter of minutes I heard (through the door and down the hall, mind you) a bellowing "NOOOOOO!" come from our room. When I returned, Danny had fire in his eyes and murder on his mind. No less than an hour earlier, Kyle, Danny, and I were discussing what I would have to do to make either of them want to fight me. They both claimed that it would be virtually impossible for me to do anything worthy of engaging in fisticuffs. At least one of them is wrong.

Since the whole Facebook thing has run its course, I'm going to find a new way to conduct my pranks. Truth be told, I was kind of lazy and didn't feel like pulling any pranks on my own, so I pawned my responsibilities off to The Trillion Man March and asked for your help on Facebook. I have some pretty solid ideas lined up that will take a little while to develop, but promise to be a riot once they are put in place. However, which idea I end up using is currently a bigger mystery than the role the woman in this video plays.

As far as more directly related matters, we got assassinated by West Virginia yesterday, which ended up being the worst Ohio State loss in Value City Arena history. We pretty much played like donkeys the entire game and I had a front row seat to the bloodbath. To make matters worse, I forgot to put on deodorant. This is a much more serious issue than you originally think. The gym was hotter than the tension that arises when Erin Andrews and I lock eyes, which made my pits smell like a cat that's been dead for a week or, more accurately, Jason Alexander. Also, I was hungry (I would say my hunger level was equivalent to that of the wolf) and the guy sitting behind me had to have been Joey Chestnut, cause he downed at least three nachos, a pizza, and a T-Bone steak cooked medium well. I was having flashbacks to junior high, when I would seemingly always forget to bring my lunch money on Chick-fil-A Day. Simply put, I'm ready to forget about the horrors associated with the West Virginia game.

Finally, I have been getting e-mails with questions surrounding what happened with Anthony "Noopy" Crater. For those who don't know, Noopy decided today to be released from his scholarship and transfer to another school. I personally have no idea why he chose to leave, but my best guess is that my decision to constantly blast country music in the weight room had something to do with it. I honestly know as much as you and even if I knew more, I'm not at liberty to elaborate beyond what I have already discussed.

Finally (Part II), I promised to inform The Trillion Man March every time I dotted a new victim. Today I dotted Nikola Kecman from the left corner on a shot that was as smooth as you are probably imagining it to be.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)

Here is the same video as a link, for all you iPhone users out there.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder