Friday, December 19, 2008

Knock, Knock, Knocking on Evan's Door

Unfortunately I have some bad news that is sure to upset at least four of you. Evan Turner has finally found out about my stealing his Facebook statuses (or is it stati?). He approached me at practice today and told me that his girlfriend, main squeeze, boo, or "old girl" told him about it. I don't exactly understand the difference between the four of those but he seems to, and ultimately that's all that matters. I'm currently thinking of a new ongoing activity I can participate in that follows a similar format of "see how long until (blank) notices." My initial idea was to grow out a mustache and see how long it would take until Coach Matta noticed, but I have since abandoned that idea for a variety of reasons, none of which include me being embarrassed to have a mustache. I actually plan on joining Brad Pitt's campaign to bring the mustache back in style once the season is over. I'm sure there will be many more entries documenting my awesome stache in the off-season. Until then, feel free to e-mail me with any suggestions. If I receive a good one, I'll do it. Especially if you double dog dare me to.

Overall, I'm pretty disappointed in how Evan discovered I was stealing his status. I was hoping he would find out by reading this blog or by looking at my Facebook, but his boo (this is my favorite description of a significant other, mostly because I used to serenade my high school girlfriend on a daily basis with this) squealed. I really shouldn't be surprised, because if there is one universal truth about women, it's that they are terrible at keeping secrets. If there is another universal truth about women, it's that they will always wait to try and open the car door at the exact moment I hit the "Door Unlock" button on my keys, thus preventing their door from unlocking. Fellas, amirite?

I think I'm subconsciously putting down women in hopes that they will flood my inbox with hate mail. I am convinced that the ladies don't read this blog, and I really find it troubling. Hopefully the female readers (especially the single ones) will e-mail me and prove me wrong, which would be more surprising than the lofty GPA B.J. Mullens had this quarter. The ball is in your court, ladies.

Finally, I want to address something that many people have questioned, which is the origins of the concept of the trillion. I have received claims that Basketbawful first conceived the concept of the trillion, as well as e-mails that legendary 76ers statistician Harvey Pollack conceived it. To be honest, they both probably did, but I was unaware of either of them doing so when Club Trillion was founded. Club Trillion devised our idea separately and any similarities are purely coincidental. Perhaps I should give credit where it's due, but I refuse to apologize for anything until Foot Locker apologizes to America for their terrible marketing campaign consisting of NBA stars telling mediocre stories about their respective childhoods. Hopefully any animosity concerning this issue will dissolve and Club Trillion can get back to focusing on slapping boards in warm-ups and looking good on the bench.
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I'm doing away with the Bone-Crushing Screen counter, with the sole reason being I have played a total of one minute this year, making it hard for me to set any screens.
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Here's your awesome YouTube clip, which also happens to be one of my favorite commercials of all time.



Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder