Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Short Story

We beat Butler yesterday in a squeaker that featured my former high school teammate Gordon Hayward putting points on our team's collective face. Brownsburg High School was easily the best represented high school in the game, as Gordon and I combined for 25 points, 7 rebounds, and 2 assists. Because I didn't even get in the game, Gordon shouldered most of the productivity, but I looked really good with the towel around my neck on the bench. Seriously. I looked REALLY good. Despite Gordon's best effort, in the end my good looks obviously weighed much more heavily in the outcome of the game than his 25 points, because my team came out victorious.

Unfortunately the Butler game prevented me from partaking in one of my favorite pastimes of gawking at the cheerleaders. I was informed by my mom that one of the Butler cheerleaders was my second or third cousin thrice removed or something like that. So essentially, we aren't related at all. Nonetheless, I was fearful that I would find one of the Butler cheerleaders attractive, only to discover that she was the one that is related to me. That would have undoubtedly led to a realization similar to this. It was a chance that simply wasn't worth taking and I was forced to turn to an alternative form of entertainment during the game--the game itself.

I could give you my analysis of the game or I could not bore you to death with a couple of paragraphs that would include phrases such as "three on the ball", "pop to catch", and "roll to bury." This blog is about all things irrelevant within college basketball, so for me to inflict pain via the boredom that comes with X's and O's would go against everything I have established here. That's why I'm going to discuss the greatest recruiting tool Butler has, and ultimately why over 95% of their players chose to play there [citation needed]. I'm talking, of course, about their short shorts.

As most of you recall, I am currently forced to wear shorts that are so close to being pants, I have started calling them shants. And as those who are close to me know, my main goal in life is to bring short shorts back into the fashion forefront. So you can clearly see how a conflict has manifested. Pictured below is the contrast of an ideal world and the harsh reality I currently live in.

Either the guy on the right isn't John Havlicek or Havlicek has an illegally powerful tanning bed.

Butler is a team that understands a fundamental truth about every Caucasian basketball player--we love short shorts. You could be saying to yourself, "But Mark, I'm white and I like baggier shorts" to which I respond with "You are not only a liar, but a disgrace to Kurt Rambis." The length of shorts is serious business to me, which is why I had to untangle my jaw from my shorts when I saw how perfect Butler's were (Note: I would have picked my jaw up off the floor, but on its way down my jaw got entangled in my absurdly baggy shorts). They weren't quite as crotch-suffocating as the shorts from the '60s, but these bad boys gave me my first look at a basketball player's knees since I was in high school.

An interesting concept is that the NBA makes its players have shorts that come down no longer than one inch above the knees. With this rule, a situation has been created where kids grow up wearing baggy shorts, then make it to the big time and are forced to make a transition that simply is too much to ask for them. Just look at Kwame Brown. Here's a guy who was a lock to be the next great thing until he was forced to wear short shorts and couldn't adapt to the change. That's why I'm calling on the NCAA and NFHS to implement a similar rule making their basketball players wear the same length shorts as the NBA. We need to put these kids in a situation where they wear the NBA-length shorts their entire lives and are, in turn, less inclined to falter when they make it to the league. John Stockton estimates that he saved himself two years on the NBA learning curve because when he came to the league he was already accustomed to the short shorts [citation needed]. Legislation needs to be passed allowing all athletes the same opportunity John Stockton was given. I swear I should be put in charge more often.


Evan Turner's Facebook Status:
Evan is pumped that he just bought the smart guy tv series.

The joke really tells itself.


Bone-Crushing Screens: 0 to date (0 last game)

#34 Jerseys: 20 to date (5 last game)

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder