Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Stealing Your Heart

Maybe I should have made myself a little clearer. As you surely know, I got a steal last night in our game against UNC-Asheville. What you probably didn't know is that Coach Matta expects me to at least look like I'm trying when I'm out there playing. Anybody can get a trillion by sitting in the corner and sucking on their thumb while the other nine guys duke it out. It takes a man to get a trillion while playing hard. Hopefully all the naysayers who claimed that getting a trillion is easy are starting to realize that when going about it properly, a trillion is a very hard thing to acheive. If I were to get a trillion by not playing hard, I run the risk of being labled as the biggest cheater since Rolando Paulino. And nobody wants that.

Think about this. You are at a party and there are only two girls there (ladies, make your own necessary adjustments to this scenario). The first girl, who has slept with the entire starting offense, has hammered home a six pack of brewskis, crushed each of the six cans on her head, and has since passed out in the bathroom wearing nothing but her undergarments (no, this isn't a personal experience--just a hypothetical). The other girl has sat in the corner all night, clenching her Bible and drinking water, and is going to leave within ten minutes because even though she is now in college, her parents told her that her curfew is 10 p.m. and she doesn't want to upset them. You could surely put in minimal effort and take advantage of the plastered girl in the bathroom, but you would ultimately feel much better about yourself if you pursued the girl who apologizes for saying "crap." That's what getting a trillion is like. I could take the easy way out, but I would feel dirtier than if I was within arm's length of Amy Winehouse. That's why I chose the much more difficult approach and actually put forth effort. My conscious will thank me for it later.

For those of you who didn't watch the game, yours truly got booed so badly after my steal that I swore for a second I pushed a little kid over to get my hands on a t-shirt during the t-shirt toss. The boos were undoubtedly the most awesomely over-dramatic display I have ever seen since this. Truth be told, I was kind of booing myself as the play was happening. In the end, though, I'd rather hear the boos from the fans than hear my teammates castigate me for not being able to make a fairly easy play.

Apparently, I needed to make another thing a little bit clearer. In a previous post, I called Samford the "Harvard of the West." This disappointed at least 25 readers to the point that they felt like sending me an e-mail calling my intelligence into question. For the record, I scored a 2000 on my SAT. And that was on the old version. Anyway, for all of you who called me out, I thank you, but I am fully aware of the difference between Samford and Stanford, just like I was fully aware of the difference between Iona and Iowa. I have been serious with about 4% of this blog, so unless otherwise stated, nothing I say has any merit whatsoever. Including the previous sentence about 4% of the blog being serious. Wrap your mind around that for a second.

Finally, I want to give Kyle Madsen AMPAP (as much props as possible). Kyle started yesterday, making him the first and only person with Club Trillion ties to do such a thing, and played pretty well. Kyle is our ambassador and gives hope to people like me who have always thought that being a member of Club Trillion means I'll always be a nobody. Kyle's start, the fact that my baby picture was used for the baby picture trivia game, and me being called "genius" by the emcee of the timeout entertainment crew made for an overall pretty solid day for Club Trillion.

I laid two of the most illegal screens anybody will ever see, prompting Ted Valentine to tell me to "cut it out." Only one of the screens connected, while the other was me kind of tripping the guy, even though he didn't fall.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (1 last game)

Evan Turner figured out within an hour what was going on and blew the whistle on the prank. Still, he told me he got over 300 messages, so I think we ultimately won. Good work. I'm thinking I've harassed Evan enough and I'll move onto a new target soon. More to come on this in later posts.

Here is the same video as a link, for all you iPhone users out there.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder