Saturday, January 17, 2009

If You're Not Down With Keller's 300k Post, We've Got Two Words For You

As I'm sure you figured out by now, Keller is quite the slacker. Here we are almost 35,000 hits after when he was supposed to post and he finally got around to writing something. It's a good thing for him that the real world doesn't operate with these so called "deadlines" and "due dates." At any rate, here's his 300k post. He claims he's skipping 400k, but let's be honest. If he were to write a 400k post he wouldn't publish it until we crossed over 500k anyway. And I can't let him hit me below the belt without at least saying that 85% of my love for John Cena was derived from the fact that Keller hated him and I always knew I could upset him if I cheered for Cena. I know that that makes no sense now, but it will after you read. Enjoy...

There are three things that don't get talked about nearly enough:
  1. Tim Tebow's lisp
  2. "Dreaming that you're peeing" being the most terrifying thing in the world
  3. Mark's awful taste in favorite professional wrestlers
The first is one of the biggest reasons as to why I hate Florida's football team. The other main reason would be that it looks like Tebow is actively trying to secure an LA Looks sponsorship for when he turns pro. But honestly, every time there's a press conference and he's talking, it sounds like Bobby Lashley trying to call someone a bastard.

The second is something I experience somewhere in the range of three to five times a year. The situations will vary, but in every single one I find myself having the need to urinate, and I do (in my dream). At that moment I become conscious of what is happening and have about five seconds of terror hoping I'm not about to wet my bed for the first time ever, before I wake up much more suddenly than a falling dream could ever make me.

I felt guilty pointing out the third seeing as how my favorite wrestler of all-time is the Ultimate Warrior to Mark's John Cena. Then I realized that John Cena doesn't wear face paint. Then I realized that John Cena doesn't give promos like this. Then I realized John Cena isn't awesomely crazy in real life. So I didn't feel that bad anymore.

When we went to Wrestlemania 22 for our senior year spring break, the main event was John Cena vs Triple H. I have never seen anyone as annoyingly excited for a mediocre wrestler than Mark was for John Cena. If he was wearing panties, he most certainly would have thrown them into the ring during Cena's entrance. While the match itself wasn't a technical masterpiece, the crowd was more excited during that match than possibly any other since Rock/Hogan at Wrestlemania X8. Mark's annoying screams next to me anytime Cena hit a shoulderblock led me to realize that I absolutely hated Mark Titus.

Mark, I'm going to use this public forum to educate you on a few things. You should never, under any circumstances, give your support to a man wearing jean shorts who isn't Kenny Powers. It's irresponsible for you to cheer for a man who isn't fully dedicated to his flat top when there are plenty out there who have. And if your favorite wrestler raps, it should sound like this.

Now, Mark isn't completely ignorant. For Halloween our senior year we dominated Brownsburg High School with multiple Rocker Drops, and he was the Shawn Michaels to my Marty Jannetty. You can't argue against the beauty of Shawn Michaels' body of work. D-X (the original)? Check. Original gimmick based on a glam metal superstar? Check. Greatest entrance in any sporing event of all time? Check freaking plus. Even with all that though, I'm convinced Mark's love of Shawn Michaels was completely based on the fact he could sing "Sexy Boy" in the middle of class and have a somewhat applicable reason to do so.

I've tried to explain to Mark on multiple occasions as to how much John Cena sucks, but it appears there is no getting through to him. I guess that goes to show that there are some things in life that will always be true. My favorite New Wave song will always be When In Rome's "The Promise." My hair will never look as good as Shawn Spencer's. There will never be a greater job than posing as an Area Man for Onion articles. And Mark Titus will never have good taste in professional wrestlers.


Okay on to some serious business. First:

-There was no more appropriate place for that picture. If anybody remembers back on my last post, I casually claimed that TRILcats could become the new LOLcats. Less than 72 hours later, we had that picture in our inbox. That is the type of stuff we love to see from the Trillion Man March. If you think you can top that, be it with a TRILcat or a pic of yourself as a member of the Trillion Man March, or if you are a really hot girl and you just took a picture of yourself and you want Mark to see it, send it our way at

-For Mark's two blogs before the Erin Andrews blog, I put a link to the Digg article at the top of the blog entry. Now, the link to Digg and our other internet pages are located to the right, just below the CLUB TRIL logo. So in the future if you want to Digg a blog, just click the link on the right and Digg it from there.

-Finally, as a few of you were quick to point out, I did not post at the 300,000 hit mark, just like I didn't post at the 200,000 hit mark. A couple people called me a slacker, which can be understandable given that they didn't understand it was Mark waiting until about 5,000 hits left before my post is supposed to go out to write a new entry. It's our custom to leave at least two days between posts so they don't get lost in the shuffle and people don't get left behind. But one person told me my wit wasn't as quick as Mark's. How dare you! That was quite hurtful my wrestling loving friend. You called on me to write about my top ten wrestlers of all-time, and I while I can't oblige that here since this the blog has to be a little related to Mark, I might get around to it one day on my own site. Don't worry though, there are some ideas in development here that rely heavily on professional wrestling.

Going back to the every 100,000 hits thing, if we were to do that again at 400,000 I would be posting after Mark's next blog, and obviously my stories making fun of Mark aren't that important. So we'll announce now that I'm not going to have a post at 400,000. I'll have a post at 500,000, but after that I'll post less frequently unless the masses riot at this decision. We never expected for traffic to be as frequent as it is, so right now I'm blogging every third blog of Mark's, which doesn't really make sense. In order to make amends with my loyal fans, I'll leave you with this wrestling YouTube.

See you at 500,000.