Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's All White

Let me begin this post by saying if you are looking for a politically correct blog, please keep looking. With Martin Luther King Day and the inauguration of Barack Obama both happening in consecutive days this week, I thought it would be a perfect time to introduce what will undoubtedly be the coolest thing I've ever done with this blog. Again, if you are one of those PC people (and I don't mean this guy) then just go ahead and stop reading right now. Seriously. I don't want you to read this. The joke is over. I honestly want you to stop reading.

At dinner the other night Kyle Madsen and I were discussing the makeup of our team. We have a diverse squad with a variety of cultural backgrounds and Kyle and I were commenting on this. I casually suggested that the team seemed to be sitting in order from the blackest guy to the whitest guy, with me being on the end of the white spectrum. I was not commenting on the intensity of our skin tones, either. The fact that I claimed to be the whitest guy on the team upset Kyle and we spent the rest of the evening arguing about who encompasses white culture more. Let me further explain.

There is a popular blog out there called "Stuff White People Like" (I would link you, but the NCAA would punch me in the kidneys). It basically is exactly what the title says it is--a list of things that white people are interested in. In that same vein, Kyle and I discussed which one of us represents white culture more. This does not make us white supremacists or anything of the sort, but rather makes us two guys who love the fact that we are minorities of college basketball and are proud to be holding it down for our culture. We respect and appreciate all cultures, but we really like ours and think it is very important to be a beacon of hope for all white basketball players in the world. Before I get into whether Kyle or I are more deserving of this title, I will explain why nobody else on the team is anywhere close to being a viable option.

William Buford - When we dress up to go to restaurants and various other places, Will wears this shirt. For serious. Also, he's not white, making his chances at being the whitest guy on the team minimal.

Jon Diebler - Jon seems like he would be a good candidate, seeing as how he is from a farming town. However, Jon can do a 360 and doesn't like listening to country music. Those are two big no-nos for our purposes.

P.J. Hill - He has dreadlocks. Also, he is not white either. Sorry, P.J.

Nikola Kecman - When asked if he thinks of himself as a foreigner or a white guy, he responded "Serbian." So not only does he not think of himself as white, he doesn't understand how to answer either/or questions.

Dallas Lauderdale - He easily has the ugliest jump shot on the team. And as a general rule of thumb, if you can't shoot, you really can't epitomize an average white guy. Plus he's black, which doesn't bode well for a whitest guy on the team contest.

David Lighty - If there is one thing all white people are (besides white), it's punctual. The only way to get Dave to show up on time is to tell him that we are meeting a half hour before we actually are meeting. Not cool, Dave.

B.J. Mullens - Has a legitimate chance at being the top pick in the NBA draft in the future. Honestly, B.J., what do you think this is? 1955? White guys just don't go first in the draft, especially white guys from America.

Walter Offutt - Walter has a nickname on his Facebook account, as his profile says "Walter WaltDisney Offutt." Unless you have a legitimate nickname or you are recently married and have your maiden name in quotes or something, you cannot put a nickname on your Facebook and plan on being viewed as a legitimate white guy. Also, he loses his mind when getting stuck on an elevator (not that that has anything to do with being white--just thought I'd remind you of the type of person we are dealing with here).

Danny Peters - Danny would eat a roasted caterpillar off of Grandma Winslow's back hair if LeBron James told him to. And last I checked LeBron isn't a white guy. Beyond that, Danny doesn't even know the lyrics to "Callin' Baton Rouge", which is a must if you want to be white. Honestly, I think they should have a thing on legal documents where if you check the box that says "white" when filling out your ethnicity or race, you should be required to at least provide the chorus to "Callin' Baton Rouge." Just one of the things I will change when I'm elected President in 2024 (that's twenty twenty-four, not two-thousand twenty-four).

Zisis Sarikopoulos - Zisis would actually make for a pretty solid candidate. Unlike Nikola, Zisis is a European who is proud to say he's a white guy. However, the NCAA has recently concluded its investigation on Zisis and they found that he is actually not white at all, but is instead a pretty famous movie star with a naturally green skin. Sorry, Zisis, but I cannot reward a cheater.

Jeremie Simmons - It would be really easy for me to make a joke about how Jeremie is the only guy on the team who is darker than his shadow, but I'm not that mean so I won't even bring that up. Instead I'll say that he has a lot of tattoos, none of which are of Tweety Bird or NASCAR related. I'm not entirely sure what he was thinking when he passed on the chance to get a Dale Jr. tat, but I guess that's his business.

Evan Turner - Surprisingly, Evan is a perfect candidate for being the whitest guy on the team. He went to a private high school, listens to John Mayer, and regularly wears a scarf. I honestly can't think of a single reason why Evan shouldn't be considered. Maybe Kyle and I should just battle for second place. Congratulations on representing our culture so well, Evan. Maybe you should teach Rascal Flatts a thing or two on how to successfully tie in aspects of other cultures into your own. Lord knows they could use the help.

So there you have it. With the exception of Club Trillion nemesis Evan Turner, nobody can make a legitimate claim at being eligible for this contest. That leaves the two candidates you will (hopefully) cast your vote for in the near future. Let's get to know these two worthy candidates a little better.

Kyle Madsen was literally born with a silver spoon in his hand. It baffled the doctors and Kyle really doesn't like to talk about it, but that's not the point. The point is that Kyle owns a membership to Costco and wears a pullover sweater at least six days a week. His high school boasts an impressive four minorities in his graduating class, proving that Kyle's concept of diversity is similar to that of Ron Burgundy's. He could listen to Dave Matthews read the dictionary and not even hint at being bored. Often times Kyle will have to take his Lexus into the shop, at which point he relies on his polo horse for transportation. As if this isn't enough, Kyle went to Vanderbilt for a year. In case you don't know anything about Vanderbilt, it's actual mission statement reads "...to offer a quality education for our students, provided they wear pink polo shirts with their collars popped." Simply put, this man is a bigger preppy than Zach Morris.

You pretty much know all you need to know about me. My jump shot is wetter than your girlfriend's eyes when Rachel came back for Ross. I love professional wrestling, auto racing, and country music. I once got second degree burns at the Indy 500 because I refused to wear sunscreen along with my wife-beater. If they aren't selling it at Wal-Mart, chances are I'm not buying it. When people tell me they are growing out a mullet and/or a mustache because they think it will be awesomely funny, I look them squarely in the eye and with a straight face say "May God have mercy on your soul." Mustaches and mullets are simply no laughing matter to me. While Kyle plays the role of a preppy and upper class white guy, I play the role of white trash redneck. And I play it well.

As you can see, both candidates epitomize two contrasting aspects of white culture. This election could come down to whether you view white people as preppy or whether you view white people as rednecks. We will continue to campaign for the next few weeks, as Kyle and I will both write entries explaining why we deserve the title and possibly shoot a couple videos to further our respective claims. The election will be held on March 1st and will be conducted using the poll feature on the side of the blog. I could put the poll up now, but I want The Trillion Man March to gather the facts and make the best decision based on who you think is the most qualified candidate. The easy answer would be to vote for me because I could threaten shutting down the blog if Kyle wins, but I refuse to resort to scare tactics to get your support. Just like the 2000 election, I want this election to be fair and honest. Forward it to all of your friends and get them in on the action. This has the potential of being the sweetest thing to happen to society since barbers decided to heat the shaving cream they use to shave the back of necks.
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Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)
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Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Tyler R. There's your shout-out, Tyler. And here's your video (which happens to be one of my favorite all-time YouTube videos).



Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder