Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Keller's 200k Post

As I'm sure you remember, I promised Keller a guest blog for every 100,000 hits Club Trillion gets. In exchange for this, he does pretty much whatever I tell him to do. Anyway, here's what he had to say this go round. I know we hit 200,000 hits awhile ago, but the elevator story was too awesome and I HAD to step in and tell it. I'll let Keller take it from here...
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Two short weeks later and I'm back posting because we've added another 100,000 hits. I find this awesome. You probably find this awful. Thanks for everyone who submitted potential ladies for Mark to date. Everyone, that is, besides my little sister Ashley. Not cool at all. The only thing that could have been less cool is all the guys who e-mailed Club Trillion asking "if Keller's sister is hot." If you're that creepy, just add her on Facebook, jeez. For everyone else, we're still taking submissions at ClubTrillion@gmail.com. Consider it a late Christmas present to the person you're submitting. Don't worry Mark, one day, love will find you.

Now, I thought about writing 2,000 words on why I will never forgive Danny Peters for his transgressions last Saturday (you know EXACTLY what you did, Danny), but while I will have many opportunities in the future to put into words the many ways I would give Danny wedgies should I see him again, this is going to be my only chance to piggyback on the "Goals for 2009" blog idea that I gave Mark in the first place.

So here are my top five goals for Mark and Club Trillion in this New Year


The reclamation of Mark's Facebook Wall

I love the popularity Mark has received from the blog. I really do. He has added over 1,000 Facebook friends in the last month. This should seem like a good thing to most, but I absolutely hate it. The problem with all these new Facebook friends is that when I have something awesome to say or link to on Mark's Wall, it gets lost in the shuffle. In the past when I would post something as life-altering as this on his Wall, it would incite the discussion that it deserves. Now, it quickly gets pushed out of sight by 100 friend stories and 8 or 9 people posting a short sentence about being a fan of the blog. To quote The Big Lebowski (which you should do at any semi-applicable chance you get) "this aggression will not stand, man."

I offer a peaceful resolution - The Club Trillion Facebook Page. I can assure you Mark checks it daily, and it would be a better place to express your appreciation for the blog. If you have an awesome Onion article, a ten minute clip of Jonah Takalua (Mark says I can't link to it because of language), or the coolest eBay auction ever, by all means post it on Mark's wall. If it's just about Club Trillion, join the fan page and post it there.

Turn Club Trillion into that guy you know who is into technology just a little too much

No, I'm not talking about turning Club Trillion into a dude who won't shut up about how sweet his new MacBook Pro is. There are a lot of places on the internet that we can spread our Club Trillion seed to. Blogger and Facebook don't have to be the end all-be all of our internet reach. I've taken the time to set-up a few other Club Trillion accounts on other sites, feel free to subscribe to them.

Myspace - Add us, especially if you have a webcam or a page that is covered in glittery HTML

YouTube - We only have one video up so far - a news spot on a Columbus TV station - but this YouTube account is where we plan on putting up any future interviews, Club Trillion original videos, or videos of a dog we saw that we will title "YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THIS DOG DOES SRSLY!!!", so don't miss out.

Twitter - I'm not even sure what Twitter is. When I go to it, it just looks like a bunch of Facebook statuses. I'm not entirely sure why it exists, except for making me think that tinyurl.com links were viruses for about two months until I clicked on one. Regardless, we'll try and update it a few times a day if it appears enough people are subscribing.

Make Club Trillion the most popular story on the internet - for a day

Sure, it's one thing to get a couple thousand hits from an inaccurate report of wrongdoing from SI, but it's another thing to reach the pinnacle of internet irreverence - being the top story on Digg. For 24 hours, Club Trillion would be the most popular thing on the internet, as determined by the people.

Since Club Trillion doesn't contain pleas to impeach Bush, a 9/11 conspiracy theory, a picture of a cat doing something funny (TRILcats could become the new LOLcats in my opinion), a witty put down of Microsoft, or a Cracked.com address (though at Club Trillion we LOVE Cracked), it will take a lot of effort to make this a reality. That's where the Trillion Man March comes in. I created a Digg username and will start submitting every Club Trillion post to Digg. You guys just need to sign up with a username, Digg the story up, and then make some kind of comment on it. Let's see if we can overtake an XKCD comic.

Accumulate 1,000 pictures of the Trillion Man March, including at least 50 with celebrities

One of the eventual goals of mine is to redesign the clubtrillion.com site. If that was to happen, I would want to include a section for the Trillion Man March. In that section, I'd want to have pictures of the Club Trillion fans over the world. If you have them, send them in to ClubTrillion@gmail.com. If you don't have them, why are you still reading this? I assume you have a cameraphone and a bathroom mirror - send me something.

Now, I'm not going to encourage you to be wearing a Club Trillion shirt, because as we have found out, people tend to take it the wrong way. All I'm going to say is it will probably look cooler. If you don't have a shirt, that doesn't mean you can't send in pictures. You could be creative with it. Old #34 jerseys, you and 3 buddies spelling out TRIL YMCA-style while decked out in OSU gear, the aforementioned TRILcats, the Club Trillion URL written in instead of a dollar amount on the tip of your restaurant bill - the possibilities are endless. If it's cool enough, I'll post it.

I'm going to discourage Photoshop (to an extent...awesome Photoshops are an exception) and encourage actively stalking local and Hollywood celebrities to pose in your Club Trillion pictures. Until the site redesign is done, I'll post the pictures on the Club Trillion Myspace and Facebook pages.

Mark Titus finally gets to meet Ben Affleck and have his life ruined

There are two things in my life that annoy me. The first is that as a redhead, I can never, under any circumstances, date another redhead. Regardless of the person, we would look way too much like brother in sister in public, and create a very awkward situation for onlookers were we to kiss. There's no getting around it, and redheads are the only race or hair color for which this holds true. So Isla Fisher, Nicole Kidman, and Wilma Flintstone, sorry. Maybe in another lifetime.

The other is that Mark Titus actually believes he looks like Ben Affleck. The thought is grounded in history - when we were on Spring Break in Fort Myers our sophomore year, two girls on a trolley told Mark that he looked a little like Ben Affleck. The problem is - he doesn't at all, but insists to this day because of said incident that he does. These girls could best be described as "Cal Naughton, Jr. at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert (2:05 in the video)" drunk, so their opinion should matter about as much as Danny giving tips on how to grow a mustache. This was also Spring Break, where even these guys can find girls who think they're cool. Finally, he was sitting next to me on the trolley. It's pretty easy to look like Ben Affleck when you're sitting next to a redhead with a dirty goatee and a shade of skin that is a cross between sunburn and spray tan (thanks for encouraging that one, mom. It turned out SO well).

So I hope Ohio State draws the West Region this year in the NCAA tournament, specifically a game in Los Angeles. And I hope that before the game Mark hears a voice in the stands from a man saying something like "Hey Club Trillion, you suck! How about a picture?" That man? Ben Affleck. Picture gets taken, Mark finally realizes he looks nothing like Ben Affleck, my life gets a little better. This has to be the greatest plan since this.

Here's a professional wrestling video that's much cooler than anything I just wrote:




See you at 300,000.

Keller