Last night we beat Indiana in a game that I admittedly had no idea was going on until there was about five minutes left in the first half. It goes without saying that there was one reason and one reason only why I was so distracted during the game, but I'll say it anyway. My main squeeze, Erin Andrews-Titus, was in attendance and looked like a trillion dollars. But I wasn't looking at her because she looked like a cross between Patty Mayonnaise and Kimberly The Pink Power Ranger. I was looking at her because there seemed to be trouble in paradise and I really couldn't believe what I kept seeing.
I'm not going to use this entry to say that Erin's actions could be classified as careless, cold-hearted, and overall inconsiderate (see what I did there?). I'm just going to say that the only other time I have ever been more disappointed is when I went to a service at "The Journey Church" in my hometown of Brownsburg, Indiana (the sign that lured me in seriously said "Don't Stop Believing"), only to find out that when some of the members said they "religiously listen to Journey", they were only joking. Good joke, guys. I hope you're happy. Anyway, things started off really well when an ESPN producer approached me during shoot around and asked if I would care if Erin talked about me on air. I naturally played it cool and gave him a "Pffff, whatever" like I was too good for ESPN, but I figured I'd help them out a little. Sure I was a little over the top with my bravado, but I had an ace in the hole--an intimate, albeit imaginary, relationship with Erin Andrews. It really didn't matter what the producer thought of me, because I knew Erin would come through and give Club Trillion AMPAP.
As the team came out for warm-ups before the game, David Lighty and I came out of the opposite tunnel because as the captain and face of the program, respectively, we didn't want to get hounded by the throngs of fans who would have inevitably tried to touch our faces or something as equally uncomfortable. Dave was approached by our SID and was informed that ESPN wanted to mic him up for the game, because he's sooooo funny and has a blog that makes the ladies weak in the knees. Oh wait, that's not Dave at all. I was a little upset by this decision, but I knew Erin was going to talk about me, so I ultimately didn't care (I would later find out that she never gave Club Trillion the shout-out I had been hoping for). And that's when our SID decided it would be a fantastic idea if he took a dump on my heart. He told us that Erin wanted to do an in-game interview. With David Lighty.
When I heard the news that Erin chose Dave over me for the interview, a few things went through my mind. My immediate thought was "I hope nobody is documenting this with the intent of making a slow motion video of my dejected reaction, set to the music of Daniel Powter." I then thought about the probability of me getting away with crushing Dave's kneecaps with a crowbar. Since there were over 10,000 witnesses and I didn't feel like walking all the way back into the locker room to grab the crowbar in my locker, I decided against it. Just then, as I was scrambling to think of a way to sabotage Dave, I caught Erin walking right at me and giving me that look that said "I'm seriously considering eloping with you."
Erin instead went with something like "Bill Simmons podcast? Nice!", which had a little less passion than I had intended, but her blowing me a kiss and winking totally made up for it. It was at this moment that I knew exactly what was going on. People as good looking as Erin and me know a secret that they don't tell the people who graduate from Average Looking School. It's a little strategy called "playing hard to get" and I knew that that was what she was up to. In case you don't know about this strategy, you can read about it here. Basically it follows the notion that people only want what they can't have (a notion that also explains why I want to so badly shake the hand of the man who conceived the "Hey Dude" theme song). She totally wants me, which was evident by her winking at me, but refuses to acknowledge it because it's more fun to drag me along and keep me guessing. Well, Erin, I've caught on to your ways and I'm not afraid to fight back.
Since Erin is so set on messing with my emotions, I've decided to give her a taste of her own poison and see how she likes it. That's why I'm officially breaking up with Erin Andrews-Titus. I know this is going to be hard for her to take (and frankly hard for some of The Trillion Man March to take), but it's time for her to realize that she should be held responsible for her actions. Maybe if I start (imaginary) dating another, younger celebrity (Taylor Swift comes to mind) Erin will get the hint. I don't exactly know where our relationship will go from here, but I think it's best to at least take a break for now. I'm a little upset that this is what our relationship has come to and almost feel like contemplating my life while looking out a bus window and listening to the Goo Goo Dolls. But, in the end I know it will all work out because if there is anything that sorority girls' Facebook pages have taught me, it's that "Wutz meant 2 b will always find a way. 4 srs!"
Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)
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Club Trillion Founder