Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Taking Time Out

We lost to Michigan State Sunday to drop our record to 13-5. While Michigan State has a team full of talented basketball players, I am much more impressed with the fact that they have by far the most unique first names of any team in the country. Of the guys who get significant minutes, only Travis Walton and Chris Allen have names that don't look like they were conceived while eating Alpha-Bits. The awesome first names include Marquise, Draymond, Idong, Kalin, Korie, Raymar, Delvon, Durrell, and Goran. I'm seriously jealous that Tom Izzo gets to say these names out loud on a daily basis and not get the People's Eyebrow from onlookers.

It was during a timeout Sunday that I discovered something that makes me more upset than when I found out that the plot from "Blank Check" is more unrealistic than Chris Andersen opening a successful daycare business. This is a discovery that could win you an absurd amount of money slash respect, provided the people you bet against don't read this blog. Let me explain.

There's a promotion that Ohio State does that features bobble-head versions of a cheerleader, Brutus, and a drum major virtually racing through campus. You are encouraged to pick who you think is going to win by texting a corresponding code for your respective choice to some five or six digit number that's supposed to be easy to remember but isn't at all. Apparently if you win, AT&T won't send you spam messages to the number you just provided them with. Brilliant marketing, really.

I was under the impression that the texts serve as votes and the lowest vote getter would end up winning, so that way AT&T could beef up their spam list as much as possible. However, the cheerleader has won on five consecutive occasions, meaning either my theory on making the lowest vote getter win is correct and everyone hates our cheerleaders or more likely whoever put the promotion together thought that their audience was comprised of a bunch of monkeys who don't understand the concept of a pattern. Well I'm not going to let this blatant lack of effort go on any longer. I'm sick of picking Brutus, fully convinced that they HAVE to let someone else win this time, only to have a feeling of dejection analogous to cheering for my beloved Cubbies in the playoffs. The fact that whoever is responsible for the video is too lazy to make a different outcome is ripping the integrity of the game to shreds and leaves me wondering whether timeout games can ever be trusted again. The ball is in your court, promotion video maker guy. Make me a believer again.

There's a solid chance whoever does make the video will hear about me writing this and will ultimately either sack the entire promotion or will actually come up with a different winner and make me look like a liar in the process. But until then, pick the cheerleader every time. They will get the hint when they get 19,000 winners and are left with the six people who are too cool for conformity to add to their spam list. You could even use this information to steal money from your unsuspecting friends who gamble or impress your boss and break those chains that bind you at work. Just a suggestion.

While I'm on the topic of timeout promotions, I feel like I should address the epidemic that seems to have spread to every school in the Big Ten. I'm talking of course of the incessant and unwavering desire of fans to get a t-shirt during the t-shirt toss. I'm not sure if it's the fact that you are getting something for free or if it provides you a perfect opportunity to show your date how much of a man you are because you can catch a wrapped up t-shirt thrown by a mascot with an oversized nut for a head, but something about the t-shirt toss gets you going. And I respect that, even if I don't fully understand it. It's just strange to me to see people who are otherwise quiet and reserved suddenly want a t-shirt so badly that they don't care if they push over that seven year old kid who's got those Pokemon shoes that light up when he walks. Eventually that guy gets booed by the crowd because he has no regard for human life while trying to obtain his t-shirt and is ultimately forced to give the t-shirt back to the kid he pushed over, even though the look on his face suggests it's a moronic idea to reward a loser.

The t-shirt toss is when people's character really shines through, which is probably why I love it so much. I'm convinced it's the pride of winning that makes people crazy for the t-shirt rather than the five dollar t-shirt they are getting. The cheerleaders could throw out bags of human feces and the fans would still probably fight over it. It's terrifying to consider that we currently live in a world where a legitimate threat is that terrorists could infiltrate cheerleading squads all over America and throw hand grenades into the overzealous crowds during the t-shirt toss. History shows us that people will more than likely be fighting over the chance to catch a hand grenade, ignoring the fact that they are about to have a face that looks like a marshmallow that fell into a campfire. I can only pray I won't ever have to say I told you so.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Intramural Softball Champion Rawley D. There's your shout-out, Rawley. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder