Saturday, March 7, 2009

Ties Are For Father’s Day

Club Trillion on check it out -Keller

As I’m sure you have noticed by now, the election to determine the whitest guy on the team ended in a tie, which has caused quite the discussion amongst the Trillion Man March. Nearly everyone has come to the conclusion that I rigged the election because I was losing, I’m a sore loser, and I like drop kicking newborn babies in my spare time. Basically, the Trillion Man March is doing more finger pointing than Howie Mandel and I’m thinking it needs to stop. Well, not necessarily stop, but at least be diverted in a different direction. I’m talking, of course, about pointing the finger at none other than Evan “The Villain” Turner.

There’s no denying that there is some sort of conspiracy going on with this election. It was scheduled to end at 5:00 pm EST, as I clearly stated in this post, yet somehow it actually ended at around 8:15 EST. We were involved with practice on Friday from 3 pm to 6 pm, though, meaning it would have been impossible for me to tell whether I was winning or losing at that time. Why would I extend the hours on the poll before practice when there was still a chance I could have been the winner? It doesn’t make sense.

Beyond that, after the polls had officially closed, votes still kept coming in. The poll initially closed with Kyle winning, but I regained the lead about ten minutes later. Ten more minutes after that, Kyle again overtook the lead by a single vote. Some two hours after Kyle had “won”, another vote was added to my tally, getting us to the tie that we currently have. If I had rigged the election, why would I not just stop adding votes when I was ahead? And why would I not have added votes for myself a long time ago? If adding votes is as easy as the Trillion Man March is making out to be, I would have won in a landslide.

Basically, the theory that I rigged this election is far fetched and just doesn’t add up. However, the circumstances surrounding the election made for solid motive for another culprit to step in. This was not an election that was to be taken casually, like maybe US presidential elections, as Kyle and I were both on pins and needles to see who would have bragging rights forever. This was serious stuff with serious implications. In other words, it was a perfect opportunity for The Villain to make his move.

It’s no secret that I have spent the better part of the last two years of my life tormenting The Villain. I’m not entirely sure what my goal is with this persistent annoyance, but I do know that it has all been in good fun up to this point. My favorite prank consisted of setting The Villain’s Facebook status as my own and then posting it on this blog for the world to see. Not surprisingly, his latest status mentions the fiasco surrounding the election:

“Evan to the trillion man march!!..titus is a fraud. he rigged the ballots and made it a tie. he is messing with you all's heads and emotions..he must be stopped!!!”

Obviously The Villain is trying to get the Trillion Man March to turn on me and eventually bring down my blog as a result. Maybe it was the pranks I pulled over the years or maybe it was because I left him off the ballot, but for whatever reason The Villain decided that this election served as a perfect time to get his revenge. I’m a little upset that he has retaliated to my harmless pranks by taking it to the next level. Nonetheless, the fact that he is the declared nemesis of Club Trillion proves that he definitely had motive.

“But,” you are saying, “if you were at practice and couldn’t rig the election, how in the world could Evan rig it then? Wasn’t he at practice with you?” Solid question and I’m glad you asked it. Of course Evan was at practice with me. It was all a part of his alibi. He is claiming to be occupied during the scandal and also claims that he doesn’t know my password and have access to the blog settings and therefore couldn’t change stuff around even if he wanted to. Basically, he had a well thought out plan to cover his tracks, only he forgot to account for the fact that standardized tests and everyday encounters with mutual friends have shown that I would destroy him in a spelling bee (or any other scholastic contest) with my hands tied behind my back. Translation: My brain capacity dwharfs his, making it impossible for him to outsmart me.

It’s pretty obvious how The Villain pulled this off, but in case you can’t figure it out, I’ll help. Blogger, the service I use to bring you this irrelevance on a bi-weekly basis, is owned by a little company called Google, which was co-founded by one Larry Page. Page was born and raised in East Lansing, Michigan, home of the Michigan State Spartans and, more importantly, The Verve Pipe. Page spent a lot of time on the MSU campus because his parents were professors at the school. While Page was growing up, a certain basketball player named Scott Skiles was getting busted with drugs at Michigan State. Skiles needed guidance after his drug charges and turned to Page’s parents, both of which he had as professors in different classes.

So Skiles becomes friends with the Page family before going on to an NBA playing career and eventually landing a job as the Chicago Bulls’ head coach. While Skiles was a coach with the Bulls, a highly touted basketball prospect was gaining attention at St. Joseph’s High School in Chicago. I’m talking, of course, about Demitri McCamey, the current star guard for Illinois. McCamey undoubtedly spent his summers working on his game by playing against some of the Bulls players and eventually talked with Skiles about the prospects of playing for his hometown team. Oh yeah, I feel like I should mention that one of McCamey’s teammates at St. Joe’s was a guy by the name of Evan “The Villain” Turner.

If you still haven’t put the pieces together, here’s how it all went down. Evan learned about the whitest on the team election and knew it would be a perfect time to get me back for all the pranks I’ve pulled on him. He casually discussed how he would love to do something to me while talking to McCamey and McCamey realized that he might have a way to pull it off. McCamey called Skiles because he knew about Skiles’ relationship with the Page family, Skiles relayed the message to Larry Page, and Page (who complied because he went to undergrad at Michigan) used his supernatural intellect to hack into my blog and screw with the poll so it would come out as a tie. The Villain planned on causing mass chaos with the voting results and hoped that that would eventually lead to the Trillion Man March turning their backs on me, destroying the foundation of the blog in the process. Case closed.

Despite The Villain’s best efforts, I figured him out and have now exposed his admittedly solid plan. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that he did succeed in ruining the poll. To make matters worse, I currently have no ideas as to how we can break this tie and figure out who exactly is the whitest guy on the team. The notion that I should re-open the poll is completely absurd, considering the fact that 99% of you would vote for Kyle because you think I pulled the biggest betrayal of trust since the Montreal Screwjob. I thought about a Paper-Scissors-Rock contest, but that’s no way of determining something as important as this. If you think you have a solid idea on how to resolve this, leave it as a comment on this entry. And for the record, dragging my carcass on a chain through the streets of Columbus because I’m a sore loser who rigged the election is simply out of the question. I’m pretty sure it violates a city code or something.


After writing my last entry about Streak for The Cash (which didn’t get anywhere close to the attention it deserved because of the election), I was e-mailed by Robert M., who suggested that Club Trillion create our own Streak group. I had no idea that groups existed, mostly because my Streak experiences always consist of opening, seeing my streak at 0, and quickly closing the page so I don’t have to stare at the constant reminder that I know pretty much nothing about sports. Anyway, I ended up making a group for the Trillion Man March to go up against Keller and myself. Because someone already stole the name of “Club Trillion” for a group, I named our group “The Trillion Man March” and it can be found by clicking here. Join our group and if you have the longest streak going when I publish each one of my posts, I’ll give you a shout-out on the respective post. Good luck and happy streaking.


Streak for the Cash Group Leader: M. Delargy

One Armed Embraces: 9 to date (0 last game)

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)


Your awesome YouTube features the greatest NBA Jam player of all-time, Clyde “The Glide” Drexler and was sent in to me by Jorge G. There's your shout-out, Jorge. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus

Club Trillion Founder