For those of you who are new to the Club Trillion blog, first and foremost, thanks for stopping by. Secondly, you probably should know that I am widely considered to be the consummate gentleman. As such, when my blog was in its infancy and virtually nobody outside my family read it, I promised my best friend (Keller) that for every 100,000 hits, he could make a guest post and enlighten the world with his superior knowledge of professional wrestling. No less than three weeks later, Bill Simmons picked up on the blog, had me on his podcast, and turned me into a relevant human being.
Because of Simmons’ golden touch, my blog (relatively) exploded and Keller posted more frequently than I, he, or basically anybody in America wanted. We then decided to push the guest posts back to every 250,000 hits. When the blog crossed over 750,000 hits, though, Keller decided that instead of writing a guest post, he would much rather not write a guest post.
Anyway, in case you didn’t notice, the blog recently crossed over 1,000,000 hits, which means it’s time for Keller’s guest post. However, I felt like a million hits should warrant something bigger than letting a guy who is a notorious slacker get on here and spew useless wrestling facts. That’s why I brought out the big guns for this special occasion.
The guest poster for this commemorative event is a man who both needs and deserves no introduction. He has tormented me for the past two years with his blatant disrespect of the entire walk-on community. He wakes up in the morning and immediately begins thinking of ways to make my life a little less fun and for that I actually kind of respect him. Our relationship is similar to that of Michael Scott and Toby Flenderson from The Office. I actually had an almost identical reaction when my guest decided to come back for his junior year as Michael did when he saw that Toby had come back from his sabbatical. To put it mildly, the guest blogger for this post is someone who has more than lived up to his nickname of “The Villain.” Ladies and gentlemen, I will now turn it over to Evan “The Villain” Turner.
Note: I edited bits and pieces of this, for the sake of readability. I also included links where I saw fit.
What up America? It’s Evan Turner here ready to spit some truth on this Trillionaire Club. I know Titus clowns me on here all the time, so when he asked me to come write a guest blog I thought it would be good chance for me to clear my name.
First of all, I hear a lot of people out there talking about how I should have won this whitest on the team election. Listen, y’all. I’m not as white as Titus tries to say I am. It’s true I do wear a scarf and it’s true I loved Saved by The Bell as a kid, but to say I listen to white music is crazy. All you gotta do is look at my iPod and you’ll see that’s not true. On my recently played list, I got Darius Rucker (BLACK DUDE), Michael Jackson (USED TO BE A BLACK DUDE), K-Ci and Jojo (TWO BLACK DUDES), and Enrique Iglesias (MEXICAN DUDE). That’s not to mention all the African music that I listen to, such as Dave Matthews. (Editor’s Note: Dave Matthews is from South Africa.)
As far as how the election turned out a tie, I don’t know why everyone believes Titus when he says I rigged it. It’s pretty obvious he cheated and he tried to blame it on me. Listen, I only know basic HTML. How in the world am I going to hack into his blog? It don’t make sense at all. Y’all really just buy into anything he says?
What you don’t know about “The Shark” (weak nickname by the way) is that he’s not all he’s cracked up to be. He makes it seem like me and him had this beef going for the past couple years. In reality, I never really talked to the dude until he started writing about me on his blog. I barely even knew his name until the start of this last season. I just called him “walk-on” or “manager” anytime I wanted him to rebound for me or grab my water bottle. I guess he just thought he could use my name to make a name for himself.
And he’s not even that popular with the team. People think that Titus is everyone’s best friend cause he’s the funny guy on the team, but for real NOBODY likes him. I mean, the white dudes like him, but the brothers get sick of his jokes. Listen, I like jokes, but when they are ALWAYS about current events or the government, it’s time to give it a rest. It’s not like I’m reading Us Weekly all the time!
Titus thinks he’s going to the NBA, but you really should see this man try to hoop. He talks about his jump shot like he’s got a Ray Allen jumper. The thing is, his jump shot is actually really good compared to the rest of his game. It’s just that the rest of his game is doo doo. He can’t dribble, he can’t pass, and he sure as heck can’t play D. This fool tried to lock me up when we played open gym my first day on campus and I made him look like Craig Ehlo. Plus he’s white which is a big no-no in basketball. Dude’s got no game at all, but since he doesn’t play, none of you will ever notice how bad he really is.
OK, I know this is random, but for real y’all need to go get Asher Roth’s CD when it comes out next week. That dude opens his mouth and greatness flows out. Just a little advice from The Kid. Back to what I was saying.
I know I’m hitting Titus with some low blows, but for real I’m a little bit impressed with how he’s turned this blog into something as big as it is. My real problem is with “The Trillion Man March” (another weak nickname) and how y’all will believe anything Titus tells you or will do anything he asks you to do. That’s why I’m here to put an end to it all.
My first problem with the readers of this blog is that y’all added me on Facebook and have now made me reach the limit of 5,000 friends. How am I supposed to holla at the cuties in my sociology class when I got a bunch of Titus fanboys clogging up my friends list? Listen, I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! If you are going to add me, you gotta be a single chick that’s at least a 6 or a 7. Actually, you don’t even have to be single if you look good!
Also, all you out there reading this find it necessary to join Titus in his attempts to annoy me. That’s the only explanation for why everyone asks me if the people from the “Leprechaun From Mobile, Alabama” YouTube video are related to me. The answer is no they aren’t my family, although I do have some cousins who live in Birmingham. You also continue to ask me why I bite my bottom lip in a lot of the pictures I pose for. You really want to know why? It’s cause I saw Zac Efron do it on the cover of a magazine and I was digging the vibe he was giving off, so I thought I’d pick up on it. My man knows how to take a good picture. Don’t hate.
Seriously, Asher Roth is dope! Asher, if you are reading this, I want you to sing at my wedding. You can flow with the best of ‘em! (Editor’s Note: I love The Villain.)
Listen, stop calling me “The Villain” too. I kind of like the nickname, but I can’t be called something that Titus came up with. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let a manager come up with my nickname. I’m The Kid and that’s how it is.
Alright Trillion Man Farce, I’m going to get out of here cause I have a life that doesn’t revolve around some blog written by a dude who I’ve never even seen talk to a girl. Seriously, Titus, what’s the deal? I’ve for real never seen you even talk with a girl. Your game is so whack on and off the court. Not ONE TIME have I ever seen you just sitting there TALKING with a girl. I bet you have never even Facebook messaged a chick before. You are so sorry.
That’s all I got for y’all. Hopefully you realize that I’m not the dude that Titus claims that I am. Listen, just cause I like to rock out to John Mayer doesn’t mean I’m a white dude. I’m just a guy who understands what the ladies are after and I know how to cater to them. But as far as y’all, keep reading this Chump Trillion thing cause I don’t want Titus to kill himself if he’s not a star anymore. He needs you guys so keep reading and keep inflating that ego he’s got. Just make sure y’all keep me out of it. I got enough on my plate already and don’t want to have to mess with this walk-on business.
Wars come and go but my soldiers stay eternal,
Evan “The Kid” Turner
Club Trillion Killer
How do Evan and I not have our own reality show? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that. Exactly.
I want to again remind everyone about the USG election that is going on at Ohio State. I’m not going to pretend like I don’t know how these elections work. You have no idea who is up for anything until you get invited to join a Facebook group or you get a free t-shirt handed to you on the Oval. You then realize that you want to vote for whoever just gave you that t-shirt, but you have no idea how to vote. I’ve been there. That’s why I’m here to help.
Instead of voting for the rag-tag groups that insult your intelligence by making a bunch of colorful t-shirts and handing them out, I’m thinking you should vote for the guys who were smart enough to e-mail Club Trillion and offer an awesome cabinet position. In case you missed my last post, Doug and Anthony offered to make me the “Official Journey Historian” at Ohio State, should they win the presidential and vice-presidential election. Not only that, these guys promised to extend recess at Ohio State by another thirty minutes. This gives you an extra half hour every day to stare at the hottest girl at school while she plays four square with her friends. How in the world can you turn that down?
Because I feel so honored that Doug and Anthony would think of me as famous enough to endorse their campaign, I’m raising the stakes with this thing. Should they win the election, I vow to include an interesting fact about Journey at the end of every post I make while these guys are in office. They will take their presidency and vice-presidency seriously, so it’s only fitting that I take my Official Journey Historian position seriously. So if you go to Ohio State and you would love to see our student government ran essentially by me (I assume Official Journey Historian carries a TON of power), go to Doug and Anthony's site, skip through all the other ballots as far as I’m concerned, and just vote for these two, two, two on the last page. If you can’t vote cause you don’t go to Ohio State and/or you are a Communist, your life is obviously missing something so maybe you should take dance lessons from Tracy Byrd while everyone else is voting, ya know, just to spice things up a little bit.
I’m happy to announce that a member of the Titus family has now made it onto the first page of the Trillion Man March Streak for the Cash group standings. My brother, Ryan, has a streak of 8 going right now (here’s his entry) and will probably kill me for jinxing it, but I could really care less. I know I said I would only give shout-outs to the leaders and the losers, but I’m always willing to make exceptions for family. Good work, Ryan. You represent the Titus family well.
Streak for the Cash Group Leader: M. Brumleve, whose user name is “The Dude Abides.” User names like this are why I love the Trillion Man March. (streak of 15 wins)
Streak for the Cash Group Loser: M. Gelhoren for the second entry in a row. I’m not sure if he’s doing it on purpose, but it really doesn’t matter. I’m impressed either way. (streak of 15 losses)
Interesting Journey Fact: (I just thought I’d type that out to tease you a little bit. Now that you see it locked and loaded in the blog, you kind of want to know some interesting facts about Journey, don’t you?)
Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Jeremy D. There's your shout-out, Jeremy. And here's your video.
Your Friend and My Favorite,
Club Trillion Founder
Official Journey Historian Candidate