Thursday, April 30, 2009

You’re Going Through Withdrawal—So Am I

I’m coming back to school for my senior year of college, basketball, and college basketball. There, I said it. I wanted to be upfront about it so the suspense doesn’t drag on. While you now might not see a reason as to why you should keep reading, consider that my withdrawing my name from the draft has a nice little story to it. And by nice, I mean completely uncool.

A lot of speculation has been going around about what exactly the intentions were behind my decision to enter my name into the draft. Some called it a publicity stunt. Others called it…yeah, pretty much everyone called it a publicity stunt. And to a certain (very large) extent it was. But behind the veil of the “look at me” charade, there was a nugget of sincerity that maybe (just maybe) my ability to consistently make shots from anywhere this side of half-court could land me a spot on an NBA team. Now, it seems, I will never know what might have been.

I was approached last week by our Director of Basketball Operations (you might remember his brief appearance in everyone’s favorite post about getting stuck in an elevator), who explained to me that he “needs to talk to me.” I assumed he wanted to know how I do that magic trick where I make it look like I’m pulling my thumb off my hand. I wish I would have known that that wasn’t what he wanted before I approached him to talk later in the day and repeatedly did the trick in a taunting manner. Even after I explained the misunderstanding, he still didn’t think it was all that funny. That’s because he informed me that I had figuratively (and maybe literally) walked into the corporate office of the NBA, cut the cheese in a legendary fashion, and locked the door as I walked out so that everyone would be forced to bask in my creation.

The conversation I had with the DOBO (why he doesn’t go by this title is mind-boggling to me—maybe I should start calling him Dobo and just see what happens) basically featured him telling me that the NBA had called the Ohio State basketball office and requested that I take my name out of the draft because they feared that I was making a mockery of the process. He claimed that it wasn’t all that serious, but as a precaution I should not talk about the draft on my blog any more. I kindly obliged.

Today, (no this isn’t an FML) Dobo again approached me, only this time his face suggested that either the situation with the NBA had escalated or he found out that I was the one who spread peanut butter underneath his car handle door. Unluckily for me, it was the former, but luckily for me, he still doesn’t know that I was responsible for the peanut butter so keep that hush if you don’t mind. The NBA had called back and this time they demanded I pull my name out “or else.” I assume the “or else” meant they were going to make me do an NBA Catalog commercial like Larry Bird did in 1987. Despite the fact that I would have loved nothing more than to do a similar commercial, I realized that maybe the NBA isn’t an organization to be messed with and I pulled my name out.

It’s not all that bad that I’m coming back to tOSU for my senior year. Apparently, Paul Shirley already dominated the bench-warmer blogging scene in the NBA, meaning there is very little uncharted water for The Shark to explore. Also, coming back for another year gives me a chance to do all the things I’ve wanted to do at Ohio State but for whatever reason haven’t yet. Like trying out for drum major next week, for example (I plan on blogging about this, provided the OSU marching band doesn’t think I’m making a mockery of the drum major position).

It’s unknown if the NBA makes similar calls to all the prospects that they think have no chance at getting drafted, but judging by the hundreds of high school and college kids who have declared early and gone undrafted through the years, I’m guessing they don’t. Because of this, I’m not really all that upset about them treating me differently. In fact, I’m somewhat excited. I could very well be the first person in the history of the NBA to basically be told to go away. I’m aware that the NBA has kicked guys out before, but I’ve never heard of anyone who meets all the requirements being told that they can’t even be in the draft. Think about all the people who came before me who apparently were not enough of a train wreck to be told to stay out. People like Shawn Kemp, Dennis Rodman, and Zach Randolph were allowed a chance to play in the NBA, yet my blog and I aren’t. Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your kids away from me. I’m a loose cannon who simply cannot be trusted.

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In case you missed it, I had Evan “The Villain” Turner write a guest post in my last post to celebrate 1 million page hits. Some of you picked up on what was going on while others (including my grandmother) sent me e-mails explaining how disgusted you were that I would let Evan write those things about me (or write anything for that matter). The intent behind the post was that it was to be my newest form of pranking The Villain. Truth be told, I wrote the entire post and basically took bits and pieces of The Villain’s thoughts and actions and exaggerated them greatly. Or so I thought.

Despite my best efforts to make The Villain look like a toned down version of Keller’s “K-Smoove” (admittedly better than anything I’ve ever written), it actually didn’t faze him in the slightest. The Villain read my mock post a day after I posted it, came into the gym the next day, and pretty much said “Was that last post supposed to be funny? Cause it sounds pretty much exactly like what I would have written had you let me.” I stand by my claim that a reality show with The Villain and me would be extremely entertaining.

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Finally, I wanted to throw a proposal out there for The Trillion Man March. The reason I haven’t written anything in quite some time is that my life is surprisingly boring. It’s so boring (“How boring is it?!?”) that I was excited about pulling my name out because it actually gave me something to write about. That’s where you guys come in.

It’s fairly obvious to me that hundreds of you have figured out that there is a link on the side of the blog to e-mail me with whatever may be on your mind. I know this because no less than 100 of you sent in the video of the kids band from Cleveland playing “Separate Ways.” I would have been incredibly annoyed by it, but when I think about the fact that that many of you care enough about the blog to e-mail me, I really don’t mind one bit.

Anyway, to remedy the periods of boredom in my life, I’m thinking about doing mailbag posts so there aren’t extended periods of time between each post. I’ve toyed with the mailbag concept a little bit by answering my “friend” Dale Thornton’s questions, but I think the entire Trillion Man March is more than worthy of getting their questions published. If we are going to do this, though, I’m going to have to lay out a few rules.

Rule 1) Don’t try too hard to be funny. I know that I am guilty of this, but like my dad always told me, do what I say, not what I do. I have no interest in reading your over the top attempts at joke telling. If you simply aren’t a funny person, don’t worry. You don’t have to send something funny to get published. Just make sure it doesn’t break any of the other rules.

Rule 2) Don’t send anything that has to do with ________ getting a _____ trillion. I have no clue what the record for most trillions in a game is. I have no clue what the most minutes played while achieving a trillion is. I have no clue if it’s more impressive to play less than a minute and get a trillion or if it’s more impressive to play 15 minutes and get a trillion. I appreciate the heads up about other trillion-obtainers out there, but just know that anything involving someone getting a trillion won’t make it into the mailbag post. This includes the time you got a trillion in 7th grade. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that I get about ten of these e-mails a day and I can’t just publish one or everyone else will get upset. This is harder work than you think.

Rule 3) You don’t have to send in only questions. You also don’t have to send in stuff that only pertains to basketball (although it is slightly preferred). Send in literally anything that you want and I’ll publish it with my response if I like it. Tell me what your favorite beer is or tell me that my head is shaped in a weird way. Seriously, anything at all.

That just about does it. I’m going to have to come up with a better term than “mailbag”, considering that’s what Simmons calls his and I’m not trying to be exactly like him. In the meantime, I know that a lot of you have sent me a bunch of quality e-mails that would have easily made it into mailbag (yeah, I have to get a new term) posts and I thank you for that. Now do it again.

Also, don’t feel like every e-mail should be an attempt to get in the mailbag (there it is again). I’m still looking for awesome basketball YouTube videos and love to hear your thoughts about the blog. You don’t have to follow the above rules for me to read your e-mail (I personally read every word of every e-mail). That’s just if you want it to be published. Otherwise, send me your thoughts and I’ll give you the most accurate analysis ever. Or don’t send me anything and I’ll wait two weeks to post because the off-season is boring. The choice is yours.

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Streak for the Cash Group Leader: S. Dingle (streak of 14 wins)

Streak for the Cash Group Loser: B. Truslow (streak of 13 losses)

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Nathan H. There's your shout-out, Nathan. And here's your video.




Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus

Club Trillion Founder