Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl Stubble

Because I sit on the end of a bench for a college basketball team, this clearly means I am the ultimate sports authority who knows more about everything sports than anyone else in the world. Frankly, it's a title that carries a lot of weight, but it comes with the territory and I understand that. Because of this, and because I have watched a combined five minutes of Steelers and/or Cardinals games this year, I feel obligated to give my Super Bowl pre-game analysis. But not before I touch on the greatest game in the history of the Ohio State student section.

Wednesday night we played Michigan and even though we won, the students sitting on the east side of the gym were the biggest winners of all ("Who's the big winner at the casino tonight?"). Because of my brilliant ousting of the bobble-head race promotion, Ohio State introduced a new time out promotion involving Outback Steakhouse and a free bloomin' onion. Basically they had some video graphic thing play for a few seconds while the crowd was on pins and needles wondering if the section that had guys in the aisles with handfuls of coupons ready to pass out was going to be the section the graphic stopped on. Spoiler alert: it was. The eruption from the winning student section was so loud, I honestly thought Russ Tyler had the knucklepuck locked and loaded at mid-ice.

As if a free bloomin' onion from Outback wasn't enough, the ongoing promotion of free fries from McDonald's if the team scores more than 70 points was continuing. In case you don't know much about Big Ten basketball, scoring 70 points in our conference is harder than babysitting Junior Healy. We haven't done it too many times this year, but we did on Wednesday and in the process capped off a night of freeloading from the students that even a champion freeloader like myself has no choice but to be proud of.

On top of the free high calorie food, we beat Michigan, which apparently is a rival of ours or something. The rivalry was on full display when a Michigan player politely told P.J. Hill that his elbow tasted like a medium well sirloin and offered P.J. a taste. P.J. declined, but the unnamed Michigan player decided to impose his will and was so persistent for P.J. to taste his elbow that he kindly threw it in P.J.'s face for him. A little scuffle broke out and was eventually put to an end when Evan Turner stepped in and said, "Guys I hate to break up this fight, but I just ripped a big one and it's about to smell like Kosta Koufos in five seconds." That was all anybody needed to hear and both teams quickly dissipated away from the foul odor. Add peacemaker to the long list of talents Evan has.

As I mentioned earlier, I feel like America wants to know my thoughts on the big "foosball" game on Sunday, so here's some Super Bowl anaylsis from a guy whose predictions are about as reliable as Braylon Edwards going across the middle.

There are a few things in this world I've learned to never, under any circumstances, bet against. Never bet against Alex Mack wearing a hat. Never bet against Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez in a pickle. And, for the love of God, never bet against the greatest stubble-beard in the history of sport. I'm talking, of course, about Kurt Warner (my apologies to Razor Ramon). In case you have your doubts, let me make you a believer.

From what I've heard about the man, Kurt Warner used to work at a grocery store where he would return misplaced items to their original spot on the shelf. Basically, all those times you suddenly decided you didn't want the value pack of Fla-Vor-Ice because it's so freaking hard to open those things and you thought setting them down in the cereal aisle wouldn't be that big of a deal, you made Kurt Warner's life a little bit more miserable. So miserable, in fact, that he decided to go out and become a two-time MVP and a Super Bowl champion. It's the kind of rags to riches story Club Trillion likes to dream about. And, honestly, if you can't cheer for a guy who used to have to alphabetize the canned goods because his boss was a little too irrational, then you are either a Steelers fan or a Commie. I'm not even sure which is worse.

Simply put, the stubble-beard greatness of Kurt Warner heavily outweighs the legend of Bill Cowher's constipation face, which is why I'm saying the Cardinals are going to win by a score of 5-4. Should be a close game throughout, but in the end I'm thinking there is just too much stubble-beard for the Steelers to mess with. Do what you want with this information, but keep in mind that it's not even so much a prediction as it is a fact. After all, I did play high school football and I am a pretty average Madden player, so I know exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to football. In related news, I'm an idiot.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by John O. There's your shout-out, John. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder