Friday, January 9, 2009

You're It, I Quit

Don't Forget to Digg this article --Keller

Thanks to about 500 of you, I was informed about Rey Maluluaullagulaga doing a quick bump and grind on my home girl (not exactly sure what labeling someone as a home girl entails) Erin Andrews. At this point, it's really no secret that Erin Andrews is often times the only two reasons why I watch some games. That's why I e-mailed Rey to first explain to him how he is a homewrecker, but to more importantly ask him if he is actually Rey Mysterio on (more) steroids. I am yet to hear back. Perhaps further action needs to be taken.

We lost to Michigan State the other day, making us 1-3 in our last 4 games. I spent the entire game playing eye tag with one of the members of the MSU dance team. And yes, it was a girl. There are a lot of variations of eye tag, but the way I play seems to be the most fun/creepy. Allow me to explain.

Eye tag is a game that is won or lost during the showdowns. A showdown is initiated when two people lock eyes. Whoever looks away first becomes "it." The only way to not be "it" anymore is to initiate another showdown and hope that the opponent looks away first. During warm-ups, I had one of the fiercest board slaps in my career and in celebration turned and pointed into the crowd, because all star athletes should always play to the crowd a little. As I pointed, I saw this particular member of the dance team, who was not (and this is the weird part) smoking hot, but was instead giving off a vibe that said "I'm intriguing. You want to look at me." Her vibe was absolutely right. So I lock eyes with this particular hunnie and I try to set the tone with my initial stare down. I mean, I'm staring at her so hard I start to piece together stories of her life. I can tell she's a little bit of a daddy's girl and will never forget her first boyfriend for not remembering her birthday that one year. Yes, it is possible to tell all these things from staring at someone. I'm just that good.

So we're engaged in a showdown and I have full confidence I'm going to win this thing cause I've got a much greater advantage over any other guy in the gym. Think about it. If you are at a Cavs game and LeBron looks into the crowd and stares right at you for ten seconds, you will immediately call all your friends and tell them about how LeBron wants to party with you. But if you see LeBron at Wal-Mart and he stares at you for ten seconds, you immediately go the children's section and buy yourself a new pair of Shrek underwear because out of fear he caused you to put streaks in the pair you are wearing. It makes perfect sense. For some reason being an athlete allows you to do whatever you want that is otherwise socially awkward, so long as it occurs during the game and you are in uniform. Sure it still might be creepy for me to stare down girls on the MSU dance team, but if I were to do this at any other time, I would be arrested immediately for being the epitome of the word "pervert." You understand. It's still creepy, but for some reason it's not nearly as bad as it should be because I'm wearing over $500 worth of warm-ups and can do the Mikan drill with ease.

Anyway, I'm in this showdown with this girl and I'm feeling like victory is coming my way real soon. I'm getting the sense that she's seen all she needs to see and she's about to look away and play eye tag with another (obviously less attractive) dude at the game. But right before she looks away, a ball comes flying in from my peripheral, forcing me to turn and catch it. We are, after all, still doing warm-ups at this time. Because of the unfortunate nature of the layup line, I was now "it." And I didn't like it one bit.

Luckily for me, the dancers were sitting underneath the basket by our bench. I knew some intense eye tag was going to be played over the course of the next two hours. I made my move right after the starting lineups were announced. I eyeballed this darling for a quick second and she almost immediately looked my way. Showdown initiated. This time, I had nothing else to do until halftime came around so I definitely had the advantage. I won this particular showdown with ease and as the night wore on my consistent play was just too much for her. For the record, she is still "it." Chalk up a big win for Club Trillion.

Michigan State may have won the game on the court, but my performance in eye tag was one for the ages. Also, Sparty is by far the worst mascot to play with in the mascot games on NCAA Football '05 and Brutus was one of the better ones. So ultimately, the Buckeyes aren't doing too badly in our rivalry with Michigan State. Something to think about.

Finally, I wanted to inform everyone of some terrible news. Yesterday during practice Dallas Lauderdale landed on my foot as I was rolling my ankle. For those of you who don't know, Dallas is listed at 255 pounds. If you are ever presented an opportunity for Dallas Lauderdale to jump and come down on your foot, I recommend passing on it. The x-rays were negative (which is a good thing, I'm told), but I was informed I could be out up to six weeks. Basically instead of sitting on the bench with a towel around my neck, I'll be sitting on the bench with a boot on my foot. As far as my mental state with this injury, I am currently caught between confusion and pain. I'm sorry to disappoint, but it seems I won't be dotting anytime soon.

Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Dan S. There's your shout-out, Dan. And here's your video.

Here's the same video as a link, for all you iPhone users out there.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder