Friday, April 1, 2011

Don’t Call It “Don’t Call It A Comeback”

Listen here and listen good.

If you’re reading this, you’re obviously a diehard member of the Trillion Man March.  I know this because I informed the masses  months ago that I was done blogging yet here you are still visiting, either because you like reading the old posts or you have your fingers crossed that maybe, just maybe, I’ve written something new.  Well, I’ve got good news.  You can now uncross your fingers, douse them with lube, and start pleasuring yourself  (unless you’re reading this in a public place, in which case I’d recommend you just simply uncross your fingers and leave it at that) because not only is this blog post “something new”, but there’s plenty more where this came from.

As I’m sure you remember, the main reason I stopped writing the blog is because I was overwhelmed with trying to write both it and my book  (“Don’t Put Me In, Coach” will be available in March 2012 wherever books and cans of whoop-ass are sold), and therefore decided to put all my focus towards just the book.  But now that I’ve written half of the book and gotten into a groove (which is just another way of saying I’ve figured out the appropriate ratio of dick jokes per page), I think it’s high time to start blogging again.  And even though it’s all but guaranteed that many of you will claim that this is an April Fools prank, I assure you that it isn’t.  You’re just going to have to trust me, which shouldn’t be too hard considering that, if you don’t count my repeated behavior of lying and going back on my promises, I’ve never let you down.

So here’s the deal. I’m going to wait a week or so to tweet and post on Facebook about my “comeback” for two reasons, with the first being that I’m dumb and apparently don’t want anyone to read my blog.  The second (and real) reason, though, is that I want to give you diehard fans a chance to be the cool person in your group of friends by being the one who breaks the news to all of them (although if being the first one to know that I’m starting my blog again makes you the cool one in your circle of friends, it’s probably time for you to find some new friends who aren’t incredibly lame). I understand that by waiting to tweet and post on Facebook, it only enforces your thought that this is an April Fools prank, but I again assure you that it’s not. So go spread the word and meet me back here in about a week so we can party.  And before I forget, when you do come back for the party be sure to bring a bag of chips with you if the first letter of your last name starts with A-M, or a dessert item if your last name starts with N-Z. 

Don’t you worry – I’ll provide the booze.

For those who have asked – yes, we still plan on having the SharkWolf podcast.  As of right now, the only thing standing in our way is Keller somehow being even lazier than I am.  For whatever reason, every time I ask him to record one he says he doesn’t feel like it or he’s too busy screwing around on the internet.  If you want to give him a kick in the pants so we can make this podcast a reality, here’s his Facebook (I should warn you, though – he takes pride in his Facebook stalking abilities, so if you’re a female, you should probably think twice before you open that can of worms).

Lastly, I need to congratulate Brooks Godwin of Wake Forest for clinching The Belt last week, making him the inaugural winner of what’s sure to be college basketball’s coolest award.  Brooks actually tied with Jarrett Sutton of Missouri for total number of trillions on the season with eight, but crushed Jarrett with the tiebreaker.  I’ll post a final leaderboard on the next blog entry (when the season is officially over), but none of that really matters anyway because none of the other guys in the race can catch Brooks (I’ll also post a picture of The Belt once I get it).  So if you go to Wake Forest and see Brooks Godwin on campus, be sure to congratulate him.  And if you’re an attractive female who is ready and willing, by all means don’t be afraid to give him a ride to Pleasure Town.

Proud To Be An American But Even Prouder To Be A Buckeye,

Mark The Shark